The Rules for Driving according to Phil

Here’s a few off the top of my head:

1. If you are not going faster than all the traffic around you, get out of the #1 lane.

2. If you are in a truck or tracker-trailer, stay in the slow lane. Under no circumstances are you allowed in my #1 lane.

3. If you are coming up on my bumper quickly, you have 2 choices: a) signal so that I know you’re going to go around me, or b) wait patiently for me to move out of your way. Riding 2 feet off my ass gets my brake lights, asshole.

4. If I am coming up on you quickly, you have 3 choices: a) speed up, or b) move out of my way, or c) stay where you are. With that last one, do not, under any circumstances, attempt to execute b after I have assumed you have done c. I will honk my horn and flash my brights at you if you cut me off while trying to pass your slow ass.

5. If you’re going to pass someone, pass them. Creeping by at a 1mph difference is not passing. Pulling up next to someone is not passing.

6. If there is a large gap in front of and behind you, do not ride in my fucking blindspot. Also, see #5.

7. If you don’t have a headset, don’t talk on your cellphone. This goes double for CHP. Extreme consequences may constitute breaking of this rule.

That’s all I can think of right now.